how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
