I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
