they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
