My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize