Got a toothbrush?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
