Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The uberlube is also flammable
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
