i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
