hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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