I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
