Well apparently he's into motor boating.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
