I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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