I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
