and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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