We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize