the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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