I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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