I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
