dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
