Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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