i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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