Dude my mom stole all your condoms
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
