I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
