I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
