Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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