FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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