i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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