Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Less talking, more tequila
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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