Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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