Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
