How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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