hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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