i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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