Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
