wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
