Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize