she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
