Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
