I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
