I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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