where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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