Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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