please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
