I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
