Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize