Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
