so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
