Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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