so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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