the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
