I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Blood and glitter go together right?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
