guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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