if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
