Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize