I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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