did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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