Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
