Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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