Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
