Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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