goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize