i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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