I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
