Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
