that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
