i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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